On My Mind
by darkclocks
Summary: Present-day Olivia lets her mind wander to the past after seeing an old friend.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I know I've been gone awhile. This is just a one-shot for now._

* * *

 **ON MY MIND**

 _Olivia twisted the stem of her wine glass between her fingers. She was nervous but wasn't sure why tonight was different. Spending time alone with Alex always made her wonder about her feelings, but it was usually easy enough to fight it off. Tonight was different, though, and Olivia's nervousness was beginning to show._

" _You gonna drink that or just keep playing with the glass?" Alex finally said, smirking when Olivia looked up at her._

 _Olivia shyly looked down, smiled, then picked up her glass and took a large sip, hoping the wine would calm her nerves. She sat the glass back down and noticed Alex was still staring at her, smiling._

" _What?" Olivia said, confused._

" _You're nervous," Alex said, matter-of-factly._

" _What? No, no, I'm not nervous," Olivia lied. "Just have things on my mind."_

" _That right?" Alex said._

" _Yep," Olivia said, picking up her wine glass again for a quick sip._

 _Alex took a drink of her wine then slowly sat her glass down, moving ever-so-close to Olivia._

" _Me, too," Alex said._

" _What?"_

" _I also have things on my mind," Alex said._

" _Oh," Olivia said. "Do you want to talk about anything?"_

 _Alex shook her head. "No."_

" _Ok," Olivia said. She was confused but before she could say anything else, Alex moved forward and ever-so-gently pressed their lips together, kissing Olivia._

 _Olivia was stunned for a moment, but as Alex started to pull away, she kissed the blonde back. After a moment, Alex sat back, picked up her wine and took a drink, smiling while glancing at Olivia._

#

"Liv?"

Olivia sat twisting her bourbon glass. She snapped out of her memories when she heard Barba's voice.

"What's on your mind?" he asked.

"Nothing. Just a long week," she lied and looked over his shoulder one last time at the blonde attorney in the corner with what Olivia presumed were colleagues.

Barba gave her a confused look. It really hadn't been that hard of a week, compared to some of their recent weeks. Of course, he knew she was also dealing with the appearance of Sheila, Noah's grandmother, so he didn't question it.

"You getting out of here soon?" he said. "I noticed some colleagues walk in several minutes ago and to be honest, I don't have the energy to deal with them tonight. I think I'm going to head home, pour me a good glass of scotch and not put on a tie all weekend."

"I'll never be used to seeing you without a suit on," Olivia said. "It suits you." She smirked at her pun.

"Ugh," Barba groaned. "You and my mother. Anyway, on that note, I'm going to take off. You coming?"

"I'm gonna finish this and head home in a few minutes," Olivia said.

Barba got up, left more cash than he needed to pay his tab and left, leaving Olivia alone with her thoughts. She was surprised at the memory of her and Alex's short-lived dalliance. She had obviously seen Alex a number of times over years, they even worked together. Olivia wasn't sure what it was about seeing Alex in the bar tonight that jogged that specific memory.

She caught herself thinking about it again, twisting her bourbon glass and wondering whether to go over and say hello. There was no reason not to, after all, she considered Alex a friend.

 _Ding._

Olivia rolled her eyes when she heard an incoming text message. She assumed it was work calling. Without reaching for it, she picked up her glass and polished off the little remaining bourbon. She took out some cash to add to Barba's, picked up her bag and headed out the door. If she was going to have to call work, she'd rather do it outside where it was a little quieter than the bar.

Once out the door, she reached for her phone and saw Lucy calling.

"Hello?"

"Liv, I'm not sure if you're on your way or not, and if you're not, it's fine," Lucy said. "But when you come back this way, can you bring some milk? Noah and I had a little accident tonight."

Olivia chuckled at what that accident looked like. Noah was still fairly clumsy when he tried to do everything for himself.

"Yeah, I'm sure that accident was more Noah, but I'm heading home now. I'll pick some up," Olivia said.

Olivia hung up and looked for a cab before remembering the text message.

 _Alex: You gonna drink that bourbon or just keep playing with the glass?_

A smiled grew on Olivia's face as she read the message. Her thoughts went from confused as to why Alex was texting to her amused Alex was thinking about the same thing she was.

Olivia looked up through the window, glancing at the back of the bar. For the first time all night, the two women made eye contact. Olivia blush, though she was too far away for Alex to know that, being outside and all.

She looked down and replied to the text message.

 _Olivia: Guess I had a few things on my mind._

 _Alex: Me too._

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Ok, you win. I'll continue...BUT this is only going to be 3 Chapters (4 at most). I have a quick, clear ending in mind. (And don't have the time for a long series)._

* * *

 **CHAPTER 2**

 _ **Past, Season early 4-ish**_

 _Olivia sat in the booth of the bar, twisting the bottle and picking at the label. She questioned the location, whether they should have gone someplace more private. But then, of course, inside their apartments, things could always go awry. There were too many moments and memories shared there over the past several months._

" _Sorry it took me so long," Alex said, rejoining Olivia at the booth. "One stall in the bathroom was broken and the people in front of me took forever."_

 _Alex picked up the menu and looked it over, seemingly unaware of the state of nerves Olivia was in._

" _Have you decided yet? I can never decide what I want," she said. "Though, I always get the chicken cobb salad."_

" _Um, no, I haven't ... I haven't looked yet," Olivia said._

 _Olivia's voice, her shaky tone caught Alex's attention who finally put the menu down and looked at her 'not quite a girlfriend, but more than a friend.'_

" _Are you not hungry?" Alex asked, more to give her time to assess what was going through Olivia's head._

" _No. I mean, yeah, I am. I'll probably just get a burger," Olivia said._

 _Alex stared at her intently, watching her every move and considering how to respond._

" _Are you ladies ready to order?" the server asked as he approached their table._

" _I'm ready, are you?" Olivia asked._

" _I ... Actually, can you give us a few minutes?" Alex said. The server nodded and left the table._

" _Getting something different this time?" Olivia asked._

 _Alex laid the menu down, looked again at Olivia's nervous hands playing with her beer bottle._

" _What's wrong?" Alex asked._

" _What?"_

" _You're nervous," Alex stated._

" _I'm ... nothing is ..." Olivia struggled for the words._

" _This isn't working, is it?" Alex said._

 _Olivia sighed and hung her head. "Al, it's not that it's not working ..."_

" _No, you're right. I think that's the saddest part. We actually work well, don't we," Alex said._

" _We do," Olivia said, nodding her head. "But ... our situation isn't working."_

 _Now it was Alex's time to sigh. She knew this was coming. Hell, she even considered being the one to bring it up first, but wasn't sure how. The past month had been difficult for them professionally, which made it difficult for them personally._

" _Was it you and Elliot getting put in federal lock-up or work dinner with Langan?" Alex said, smiling. The fights they'd had about those two things recently, both at work and outside of work._

 _Olivia chuckled. "I think just ... it's hard, you know. Keeping it secret. Trying to do our jobs without letting ... us ... get in the way."_

" _And your jealousy?" Alex smirked. It was a running joke between them. Even though they weren't officially together, they both had a jealous streak when others appeared to be closing in._

" _And yours," Olivia said. Alex nodded, accepting the statement._

" _So, this is it, huh?" Alex said. "You're breaking up with me."_

" _Alex, don't do that," Olivia said. "Besides, can we really break up?"_

" _I'm teasing," Alex said. "And you're right. I've been thinking about the same things. It's just so hard."_

" _We just have shitty timing," Olivia said._

" _Yeah, I guess so," Alex said._

 _The server came back to their table, approaching slowly to see if they were ready._

" _Did we decide?" he asked._

" _Actually, I think we're going to skip dinner and just have the drinks we have tonight," Alex said._

" _Ok, I'll be back with your tab, but please, take your time," he said._

" _We could have still had dinner," Olivia said. "I mean, I hope we can still be friends."_

" _We can," Alex said. "But right now, tonight, I'm having a hard time looking at you and not questioning if we're making the right decision."_

" _Do you think it's the wrong one?" Olivia said._

" _Truthfully ... no," Alex said. "We're both at a place in our careers where ... well, they come first. Right?"_

 _Olivia nodded in agreement._

" _So, while it's the logical decision, it still sucks," Alex said. "And if we sit here longer, have more drinks, you and I both know we'll just end up back at one of our apartments tonight."_

" _You mean break up sex?" Olivia said, raising an eyebrow._

" _Yes, and as appealing as that is right now, I'm afraid I'll have to take a raincheck," Alex said._

 _Olivia smiled and nodded. She watched as Alex started to pull out money for the drinks._

" _I'll take care of it," Olivia said._

 _Alex nodded and solemnly looked at Olivia. She turned to go but before she was completely away, Olivia reached for her hand._

" _Maybe ... someday ... when we're in a different place, we can try this again," Olivia said._

 _Alex smiled. "Maybe someday."_

 _#_

 **Present Day**

"Mommy, are you ok?"

Olivia looked up from her plate to see Noah looking at her. She was playing with her orange juice glass and picking at her food while she was lost in thought.

It was a Saturday morning, and it had just been a couple of days since she saw Alex in the bar. Of all the times they had spent together over the years since then, she couldn't help but wonder why all of a sudden she was still thinking about the attorney.

"Yes, baby," Olivia said. "Mommy was just thinking."

"About work?" Noah asked.

Olivia smiled. Her son knew her all too well sometimes, even if he was a little off this time. "Yeah, something like that. We should hurry up and finish before Amanda and Jessie get here."

They were having breakfast at a sidewalk cafe, and Amanda was running a few minutes late. Olivia didn't mind though because Amanda offered to take Noah for the day to give Olivia some time to herself. The younger detective had seen the stress Liv had been under with Sheila in town and was trying to show some support. Besides, Jessie loved playing with Noah.

"Twice in one week."

Olivia turned around at a familiar voice, surprised to see Alex standing behind her.

"Alex, hi, wow, what are the chances?" Olivia said. Noah watched carefully as this stranger talked to his mom.

"Noah, do you remember Alex?" Olivia said.

Noah shook his head no.

Alex smiled. "That's ok, you were pretty young the last time I saw you," she said, squatting down to shake his hand. "I'm Alex."

"I'm Noah," he said.

"Noah, Alex is the one who brought you the Curious George animal and book you used to love so much," Olivia said. It had been one of this favorites for a while.

Noah's eyes widened. "I like George," he said.

"Me, too," Alex said. "He was always one of my favorites when I was a kid."

"Why don't you join us?" Olivia said. "We're just about done, waiting on Amanda and Jessie."

"I don't want to intrude," Alex said.

"No, it's fine," Olivia said. "You want Alex to join us, don't you Noah?"

Noah shook his head yes quickly. Alex smiled and took a seat. The three chatted for a couple of minutes until Amanda showed up.

"I'm sorry I'm running late," Amanda said as she strolled up with Jessie and Sonny. "Someone insisted on coming over and cooking a big breakfast."

"Hey, I told you I'd watch Jessie if you wanted to go get Noah," he said. "You weren't complaining when you tried my eggs benedict."

Amanda rolled her eyes.

"Alex, I didn't even see you there," Alex said. "Good to see you."

"You, too," Alex said.

"And this is Sonny Carisi," Olivia said, introducing Sonny. "He's also an SVU detective. And this is Executive ADA Alex Cabot."

"Nice to meet you Detective Carisi," Alex said.

"Please, call me Sonny," he said. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard all about your work, especially in SVU and when you were shot and had to go into witness protection."

Amanda nudged him to tell him to shut up, and Olivia gave me a look that said he was talking too much, especially about things Alex probably didn't want to remember.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"No, it's ok," Alex said. "It was a long time ago. And thank you. It's a pleasure to meet you, too."

"If I'd had known you had plans with someone, I'd have been here earlier," Amanda said. "I'm sorry if I delayed anything you all had planned."

"Oh, no, we actually just ran into Alex just now," Olivia said. "We did, um, have plans or anything."

"Well, now you can," Sonny said. "We'll take Noah off your hands for a while today. And I promise, when we bring him home, he'll be all tuckered out."

"As he always is with Uncle Sonny," Olivia chuckled. "Anyway, I appreciate it and Noah and I will return the favor soon and schedule a day for Jessie to come over."

"Well, we'll get out of your hair," Amanda said. "Alex, good to see you. Liv, enjoy your day, whatever you end up doing."

"Thank you," Olivia said.

Within a few moments, everyone was gone, leaving just Olivia and Alex.

"So, I don't know if ..."

"If you're not busy ..."

They both spoke at the same time. Alex paused and insisted Olivia go first.

"I don't know if you were going anywhere, but I was just planning on some window shopping and a walk in the park today, if you'd like to join me," Olivia said. "I mean, you were out, so I assume you have someplace you have to be."

Alex shook her head. "No, in fact, I just came out for some coffee and a bagel. I had no agenda today, for once."

Olivia smiled. "Well, then, if you'd like, it would be nice to spend the day with you, catch up on ... life."

"I'd like that," Alex said.

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Finally chapter of this. Just want to finish it up before finishing up Benson-Cabot Romance. Forgot I hadn't completed this one. Not adding more to it, but am definitely planning to explore another A/O story re-connecting in later years. So sit tight._

* * *

 **CHAPTER 3**

 _It was mostly all a blur for Olivia. The gunshots. Alex bleeding on the sidewalk. The "I'm very sorry for your loss" from the doctor at the hospital._

 _Then Agent Hammond drags them out to the middle of nowhere, as far as NYC is concerned._

 _"A real pain in the ass, this one," he said, leading her and Elliot to a black SUV._

 _Olivia was speechless. Alex was alive, but something still wasn't right; it didn't sink in right away when Alex started talking. "Why is she apologizing?" Olivia thought before Elliot caught on._

 _"Witness Protection," her partner said._

 _"Until Velez is dealt with," the once-dead woman replied._

 _Alex was leaving. "How long?" Olivia managed to whisper through her tears._

 _A shrug. They didn't know. Weeks. Months. Forever?_

 _The look between Liv and Alex said everything they had wanted to say since they "broke up" but hadn't gotten the courage to say. Had they made the wrong choice putting their careers before love? Was it even love? It sure as hell was something because Liv stood there, heart hurting and wondering why it hurt so much, why she couldn't hold back tears – she was a professional, after all._

 _And the hardest part was, she knew. If she ever doubted Alex felt as strongly about her – and she often did doubt – it was erased in that single moment._

 _And now…it was all gone. Alex was gone._

 _"Liv…Liv…Liv!"_

 _Olivia snapped her head up at her partner's voice._

 _"You going to drink that or just keep turning the glass?" Elliot said, nodding at the beer mug in front of him._

 _Olivia picked it up and took a big gulp. "I think I want to go home."_

 _"I don't think you should be alone right now," he said._

 _"And why's that?" she snapped back._

 _Elliot knew. Sure, Olivia never told him, neither did Alex, but he knew pretty much from the start of it – and he knew when it suddenly ended._

 _"It's been a long few days," he said. "Maybe we should talk about what just happened and what we're going to do."_

 _"What do you mean what we're going to do?" she said._

 _"Do we tell the others?" he asked._

 _"No! We keep Alex's secret – what, are you trying to get her killed?" Olivia said. She couldn't believe he was thinking of telling anyone._

 _"Not even Cragen?" he said. "Liv, you know Cragen would do anything to protect … her."_

 _Olivia shook her head. "It's not our call. And it's one less person for Velez to get to."_

 _Elliot nodded. He agreed with her logic. But he was worried._

 _"Ok, well, if you want to go home, at least let me walk you," he said._

#

"So, what happened with Tucker?" Alex asked over dinner one night a few weeks after she and Olivia had reconnected.

Olivia hadn't even been aware Alex knew about her and Tucker. The question surprised her, to say the least.

"Oh, well, you know," Olivia said, hoping to avoid the conversation.

"No, I don't know," Alex said, grinning. "I mean, I can't fathom how that even happened to start, but I understand he's changed a lot over the year."

"Haven't we all?" Olivia said, sipping her glass of wine.

"Touché."

"I guess it just got to be too much with work and Noah and a relationship," Olivia said. "Even though I've made a point to prioritize my personal life in recent years, I guess … I just got scared. It seemed to be hard to find even a few minutes during the day sometimes to squeeze him for him. At least that's what I told myself. To be honest, I probably could have tried harder. I mean, really, lots of people figure it out. We probably could have."

Alex nodded. "Do you wish you would have? Tried harder, that is."

"I mean…I don't know," Olivia said. "Hindsight is always 20/20. But I really have moved on from it. That ship has sailed and hopefully someday I'll meet someone that will make me try a little harder."

She smiled to let Alex know it wasn't that painful of a memory. Of course, there were the "what ifs" but she could say the same thing about a lot of people and situations.

"What about you?" Olivia said. "Seeing anyone?"

Alex tensed up a little, taking a sip of her wine and twisting her wine glass.

"No, not in a while," Alex said. "Like you, work always seems to get in the way, but it would be nice to have someone to find that balance with, you know? Someone that makes me want to put work second or third on my list of priorities. I just hope I don't spend the rest of my life being married to my job."

"I can drink to that," Olivia said, raising her glass for a toast, which Alex went along with.

Alex went back to twisting her glass and grew quiet. Olivia took a few bites of her food and watched as Alex sat looking at her barely touched meal.

"What's wrong?" Olivia said.

"What?" Alex said, startled.

"You're nervous," Olivia said. "Twisting your glass just like I do."

They both smiled.

"No … Nothing is wrong … I'm just…" Alex struggled to find the words. "I mean…I know it's been a really long time, but…do you think we should have…"

"Should have?"

"Do you wish we would have tried harder?" Alex finally spit out.

Olivia took a deep breath then a bite of her food to buy some time.

"I've thought about it before…a lot," she said.

"You have?" Alex sounded surprised. "When?"

"Pretty much every single time you come plowing back into my life," Olivia said with a big grin. "Showing up on one of my crime scenes like you own the place."

Alex gave her a cocky shrug and a smile.

Olivia continued. "And, as I said, hindsight is 20/20, but … yes, I do wish we would have. I've always known that … I just realized it too late."

"That night … when I went into Witness Protection…" Alex said.

Olivia nodded yes.

"Me too," Alex said, quietly. "I forced Hammond to let me tell you – and Elliot so it didn't seem weird. But, God, Liv, how I wish I would have said more."

They both sat quietly for a moment with that knowledge, their admission.

Olivia finally spoke. "Do you think…"

"Yes," Alex said before Liv even finished.

Olivia grinned. "You don't even know what I was going to say?"

"Do I think we should give it another chance … now that our priorities are straight and we've grown up?" Alex said for Olivia. "Was that it?"

"Well, yeah, something like that," Olivia said. "I mean, we still have a lot of catching up to do, but…this…being with you is nice. I'd like to do more of it, see if that same … spark … is still there."

"Then we should," Alex said, reaching out to take Olivia's hand. "Let's see if we can find that balance together."

Olivia smiled and squeezed Alex's hand. "And let's try harder this time," she said.


End file.
